Senior health care solution -

So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you - what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 politicians and 2 illegal immigrants!

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! New teeth - no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. (And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?

Why did the chicken cross the road?





DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.







OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.







GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.







COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...







ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.







JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.







NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.







PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.







MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.







DR SEUSS:
Di d the chicken cross the road? Di d he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.





ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.







JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.







GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.







BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experience d a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.





ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.






BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.



ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Di d the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?








BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?







AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!






COLONEL SANDERS:
Di d I miss one?






**** CHENEY :
Where's my gun?






AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens wh

Two Blondes With Hammers....

Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity
house. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it
in.

Judy , figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you
throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
room doctor asked her..

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and
then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants.

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00
to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a
loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver

Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took
it to the clerk To ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot,
And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she
bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things
Cold,' she replied.

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied....... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

+++++++++++++

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the
day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and
I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of
hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out
from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"



So God agreed.....





On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."



The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"



And God agreed......





On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."



The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"



And God agreed again......





On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."



But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"



"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."



So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.



Life has now been explained to you.



There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

This is a Fake Email about Congress and a Travel Agent
but, I bet some one some where Had this happen to them


A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1.I had a Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)


2.I got a call from a Congressman's staffer , who wanted to go to Capetown.
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained,
''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''
his response -- click.


3. A senior Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin
state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it
possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5.An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if
he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he
had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent
a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car
to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)


6.An Congresswoman called last week. She needed
to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m.,
and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't
understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went
fast, and she bought that.


7. A New York lawmaker, called and asked, ''Do airlines put
your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to
whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my
luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying
laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is
(FAT- Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag
on his luggage..

8. A Senator aide called to inquire about a trip
package to Hawaii .. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would
it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''


9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, who asked,
''How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied,
''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''


10. Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''


11. a Senator called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't.
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her
this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they
have accepted my American Express!''

12. A Congressman called to make reservations, ''I
want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name
of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check
your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't
mean Buffalo , do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''