For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how v illages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi,20tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, golfers and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT



My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the
big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle...

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray -up, *****"

A frog goes into a bank an approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office..

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in
Front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs..

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In case you needed proof that the human race might be doomed by senselessness, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- 'Do not turn upside down.'
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

==========================


On Sainsbury's peanuts -- 'Warning: contains nuts.'
(talk about a news flash)

===========================

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- 'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.'
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

==========================


On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- 'Product will be hot after heating.'
(...and you thought????...)

=======================


On a Sears hairdryer -- 'Do not use while sleeping.'
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

====================================


On a bag of Fritos -- 'You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.'
(the shoplifter special?)

===========================


On a bar of Dial soap -- 'Directions: Use like regular soap.'
(and that would be???.)

============================



On some Swanson frozen dinners -- 'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

========================


On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- 'Do not iron clothes on body.'
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

==============================

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
(..I'm taking this because???....)

==============================


On most brands of Christmas lights -- 'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
(as opposed to what?)

==========================

On a Japanese food processor -- 'Not to be used for the other use.'
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

==============================


On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- 'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'
(Step 3: say what?)

===========================

On a child's Superman costume -- 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

========================

On a Swedish chainsaw -- 'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)