NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today
at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight
while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and
a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction. 'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney
General said. 'They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go
off on tangents in search of absolute values.'

They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as
'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator
of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every
triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us
more fingers and toes.'

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or
profound statement by the President.