Ok people,

This is really important. The Red Army is on their way over via the pacific. They're highly trained and are going to destroy the US. You have been chosen to create a team of 5 highly trained action movie stars to deal with this invasion. List your choice of action stars in the comments below, as well as what their speciality is.

If I'm wowed by your awesomeness, I'll send you a free shirt coupon! This is NOT guaranteed! You need to impress me.

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep,
husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that
joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black
belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional
wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna
tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

25 interesting things that you learn about computers in the movies...

1. High tech equipment is often driven by a computer with a DOS prompt. (re: RoboCop)

2. High tech companies don't do offsite backups of the data (re: Terminator 2)

3. All media devices are readily available - ie If someone hands you a DAT tape with important data on it your PC will have a DAT drive.

4. No matter what you ask a computer to do it will respond with a percentage complete bargraph - especially when searching for data it can accurately give you the time remaining until it finds that data.

5. Data searching will always involve displaying all the searched data on the screen until a match is found - this is true of text and graphics such as fingerprints.

6. Telephone calls can be easily redirected through places all over the world, and upon a tracea globe will be displayed complete with lines travelling between each place.

7. Deleting of data always takes just a little less time than it takes the bad guys to knock down the door.

8. Alltechnology is plug and play - every computer can have any piece of technology attached.

9. High tech graphical interfaces are often driven by hundreds of keystrokes which do not appear anywhere on the screen.

10. IP addresses automatically supply the feds with the physical address (ie log on and they know where you are!)

11. Word processors never display a cursor.

12. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences. Just keep hitting the keys without stopping

13. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.

14. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical >interfaces.

15. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

16. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

17. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, > >just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk >drives and monitors.

18. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

19. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.

20. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. (See #7, above)

21. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

22. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

23. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

24. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

25. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

26. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a >backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.

27. If a disk has encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

28. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by >any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all >computer platforms.

29. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.

30. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

31. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.

32. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.

33. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

34. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.

35. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to.

This one is fresh from gramps laptop...and fairly entertaining as well!




*Only in** **America** ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of *


*the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. **




**Only in** **America** ......do people order*


*double cheeseburgers, large fries, and* * a diet coke. *


*



**Only in** **America** ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to * * the counters. *


*



**Only in** **America** ......do we leave cars*


*worth thousands of dollars in the*


*driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.**




**Only in** **America** ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. **




**Only in** **America** ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. **




**Only in** **America** ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. **




**EVER WONDER ....**




**Why the sun lightens our hair,* *
**but darkens our skin** **?**
*
*


**Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? **




**Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? **




**Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?** **




**Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? **




**Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? **




**Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? **




**Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? **




**Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?** **




**Why didn't Noah swat those two** ** mosquitoes? *


*



**Why do they sterilize the needle for* * lethal injections?*


*



**You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! **




**Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?* *< BR>
**


**Why are they called apartments when*


*they are all stuck together?**




**If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? **




**If flying is so safe,**
**why do they call the airport the terminal?