Old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and
asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me.

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Two blonds living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blond says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida
or the moon?"

The other blond turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida????"
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A blond pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just cr*p in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
-----------------------------------------

A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
show it to you!"
-----------------------------------------

There's this blond out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blond on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?"

The second blond looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."
-----------------------------------------

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blond."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
-----------------------------------------

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blond behind the
wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blond yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
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A Russian, an American, and a blond were talking one day. The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The blond said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.
To which the blond replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"
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A blond was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

------------------------------------------

A girl was visiting her blond friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blond responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

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the best Out of office Auto-reply Excuses

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get The position.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

11: I've run away to join a different circus.

12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'