There was a fat and unhappy man. One day he was looking through the paper and saw an ad saying "Loose 10 pounds in 5 days". One day a hot girl comes to the door wearing nothing but NIKES and a sign saying "Catch me and you can have me". He runs around and looses 10 pounds. A week later he saw a billboard advertising "Loose 20 pounds in 5 days". The next morning an even hotter chick comes to the door with nothing on but REEBOCKS and a sign saying "Catch me and you can have me". He runs around and looses 20 pounds. A week later he sees an ad on tv saying you can loose 50 pounds in 5 days. He calls the 800 number and they warn him it could be risky. However, he accepts. The next morning a buff man shows up at the door wearing nothing but pink shoes and a sign saying, "I catch you and your a** is mine".

5 days ago u were sitting alone but 2 days ago u were talking on da phone. u remind me of a cold breaze on a hot summer day because now goodbye is all dat u say. i don't know wut 2 do anymore i feel our relationship has gone on a detour wut should i do should i go left or right dis is wut i ask myself alone every night

lets talk this over
its not like were dead
was it something i did
was it something u said
dont leave me hanging in
city so dead held up so
high on such a breakable
thred u were all the things
i thought i knew and i thought
we could be u were everything
everything that i wanted we were
ment to be suppose to be but
we lost it all the memories
so close to me just fade away
all this time u were pretending
so much for my happy ending
you have ur dumb friends i know
what they say they tell u am
difficult but so are they they
dont know me do they even know
you all things u hide from all
the ***** that u do u were all
the things i thought i knew n
i thought we could be u were
everything everything that i
wanted we were ment to be suppose
to be but we lost it all the memories
so close to me just fade away all this
time u were pretending so much for my
happy ending is nice to know u were there
thank for acting like u cared and making
me feel like i was the only one nice to
know we had it all thax for watching as
i fall and letting me know we were done
he was everything everything that i wanted
we were ment to be suppose to be but we lost
all the memories so close to me just fade away
all this time u were pretending so much for my
happing ending ooh ooh so much for my happy ending.

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"